The beginning of the story about Aliens and their love affair with the bovine inhabitants of Earth dates back to April 1897. The Yates Center Farmer’s Advocate in Kansas told of a local rancher, Alexander Hamilton, his hired man and his son all witnessing a giant UFO that was cigar-shaped and hovering just over the corral near their house.

It was the evening of April 19th and Hamilton claimed that there was a holding place underneath the structure containing six of the weirdest beings he ever saw. Right at that moment, a calf started bawling. It was trapped in the fence with a rope about its neck as it was being hauled upward. They attempted to free the calf of the rope off but were unsuccessful; they then cut the wire of the fence loose and watched as the ship with the calf in tow rose slowly and disappeared into the northwest.

The next day, Hamilton set off in search of the animal. The mutilated remains of his calf were discovered in his pasture by his neighbor. As Hamilton describes, the neighbor was quite confused about not finding tracks of any kind.

An affidavit signed by twelve prominent citizens soon followed Hamilton’s statement. The townspeople swore that Hamilton’s word had never been questioned. In the days following the incident, the story was published in a number of newspapers in the United States and also in Europe.

Having been rediscovered by ufologists in the 1960’s, the story found new life in books and magazine articles. But, much to the chagrin of believers, an elderly woman from Kansas came forward to tell of how she overheard Hamilton boasting to his wife of a story that he had concocted shortly before it was reported in the Farmer’s Advocate. There was a local liars’ club of which Hamilton was a member. According to the woman, the airship and cow story was the one that must have topped all the others as the club broke up soon after.

Although the validity of the initial reporting is in question, there still remains the problem of unsolved cattle mutilations and crop circles. There have been theories which suggest that these mutilations may have been the result of Alien abduction for the gathering of genetic materials for purposes unknown. Most such theories a based around conjecture that people could not have performed such clean dissections in the small amount of time necessary to do so. It is just impossible for them not to have been seen or heard or even to leave evidence behind at the mutilation site. There are also lab reports suggesting that these dissections used unconventional cutting tool among other phenomena.

Whatever the case may be, cow abduction is now synonymous with UFO sightings in our pop culture. Recently, advertisers for California dairies have been giving it attention in commercials. A recent commercial depicted the news media reporting on the story of Aliens abducting cows for their magic white serum, which was actually just milk. Are Aliens abducting cows? You can decide for yourself.

Aliens are known to be quite enamored of our species, and because of that they will stop at nothing to breed with us, experiment on us, perform terrible mind tricks and test us in our altered states of reality and if that doesn’t beat all, they’ll erase our memories of the events and do a shoddy job of it. If you suspect for any reason that you have been the victim of alien abduction, you need to read through this list of symptoms very carefully. Here are the signs of alien abduction that everyone should be aware of.

(1) Have you experienced any periods of missing time? Periods that cannot be accounted for? (Not to be confused for high time, borrowed time, bed time, overtime, killing time or the like…)

(2) Do you have any odd markings, unusual scars, designs or wounds for which you have no explanation? Of the many signs of alien abduction, this is probably the most important.)

(3) Have you or are you currently having flying, levitating, falling or floating dreams? And if so, is it your belief that Aliens were responsible? If you can’t recall, skip to number 4.

(4) Do you give credence to spurious information being posited as credible science?

(5) Do you feel as though you are the special chosen one; chosen by some unknown cosmic entity and appointed to save the planet and all of its inhabitants? Or, have you felt the compelling desire to join environmental groups who have the same “save the planet” mentality?

(6) Have you been receiving telepathic messages or channeling entities that claim to be the High Priest of some such planet, or the Overlord of All Mankind? Or do you believe Cher, Elvis, Queen Elizabeth and Michael Jackson are reptilian invaders?

(7) Do you find yourself spending too much time in the shower dreaming about the mother ship?

(8) Do you believe that you can safeguard your thoughts from Alien Super-beings by wearing hats made from tin foil?

(9) Have you experienced any highly vivid or lucid dreams in which you could not move your extremities and were completely helpless while being probed by beings of unknown origin, which had a penchant for making insensitive remarks about your private areas?

(10) Do you recall having been given a tour of crying, green-skinned, twelve-eyed babies in a nursery and being informed that they were yours?

(11) Are you unable to control your urge to surf the net for websites on the unexplained, mysterious and unsolved? Do you root around their forums looking for other people who show signs of alien abduction and find yourself posting information as if you personally knew the aliens yourself?

If you show any or all of these signs of alien abduction, you should know that it is very serious. You are probably being repeatedly abducted and probed and sexually assaulted by some Alien life forms looking for a way to take over the planet. There’s nothing you can do.